Things to think about or try

I think winking needs to be sorted out. I was in McDonalds the other day, and I ordered two double cheeseburgers, there was a bit of a wait, so I waited. After a couple of minutes, the ‘chef’ slid my two cheeseburgers down the McDonalds burger chute towards the man serving. As he slid, he gave the serving man a wink, but not just a subtle indiscreet wink, it was a full on IN-YOUR-FACE wink. Naturally, with the unshakable urban myth of secreted faeces in burgers implanted in my mind, I felt quite uneasy about the ‘chef’s’ wink.  I think, and hope, that this wink was in no way related to faeces in my burgers. If this is the case, then generally great, but I think people should be educated on when and where they can wink - currently winking is rife and wild.

Actually, thinking about it, we should just ban winking altogether. I know some special people can’t wink anyway – they can only blink – but for the normals, we should ban it. Winking just isn’t cool anymore, if someone winks at you it’s either creepy, cringy, or CHEESY - which in turn is creepy or cringy (the three C’s all interconnected). I have never practiced winking – I can wink, I mean practiced like a practicing Jew, trying to be a Jew – and I don’t really know any winkers. Winkers are often outsiders who you don’t really know, typically in their 40’s, and see themselves as a bit cheeky. Perhaps a cheeky chappy. They say something that’s meant to be funny, and then wink at you. But they say this ‘funny’ comment in such an overly hyped whimsical tone that you know they are joking before they have even finished their ‘funny’ comment. So really there is no need for winking. Sometimes they nudge you too – which is quite intrusive.

These winkers need to DO ONE. And something needs to be done.

As we can see above, we have two forms of winking which produce two forms of woe; badly timed winks which wreak worry and could cause someone to lose sleep (McDonalds), and common bothersome winking which could lead to the intrusion of personal space, and to accommodating laughter from the receiver - accommodating laughter that makes you feel dirty. 

So to ban something you need to enforce rules, and punishments. Here are a few things you can do if someone winks in your presence, but not directly at you:

1. Question the wink and make things awkward
2. Expressively point at the winker’s eye, but only when the winker isn’t looking at you – they will notice

And here are some punishments if someone winks directly at you

1. Spray a Capri Sun – orange and mango - into the eye they used to wink at you.
2. Don’t laugh at what preceded and endorsed the wink, even if it’s funny.
3. Start blinking at them, as you perform each blink force your neck/head forward to get your point across – like a chicken does

So, with these punishments in hand, winkers will soon start to experience strange happenings every time they wink. On a conscious level, they probably won’t connect these punishments with their winking activities, but the mind is quite clever, and the sub-conscious will realise this relationship between winking and punishment. Over time, winkers will naturally stop winking, because of the wary sub-consciousness. No longer will we feel aggravated by these silly and inconsiderate winkers.

Africans get lots of Sun, but have a lack of food and drink. The sun is there all the time, whacking off masses of energy, but the Africans – physically – only really suffer from this energy – there is little benefit. Sea Slugs on the other hand use the Sun’s power, and can in fact live off the sun; Sea Slugs exploit the inherent qualities of Algae, and use these qualities combined with the sun to photosynthesise – like a plant. With the initial ingredient of Algae, Sea Slugs can live of the sun for around six months. During this time they can reproduce and everything. What a great thing.

Wouldn’t it be great if Africans could be like Sea Slugs.

Obviously Africans are quite different to Sea Slugs, but trying to make Africans capable of photosynthesis is probably worth a go. I suggest we transfer the Sea Slugs genetic quality - enabling photosynthesis - into Africans. Here’s how we could do this:

Place Algae cells into a tropical rum based drink – perhaps a pina colada – and give the Africans a straw to drink from this Algae infused cocktail (pinalgae colada). What is needed from these algae cells are chloroplasts; chloroplasts are the rudiments that capture the suns energy, and conduct and store. Here is where the Africans will need to be injected with the DNA of a Sea Slug’s digestive system, enabling them to store chloroplasts in their own replicated Sea Slug digestive systems. Once stored the benefits of the chloroplasts circulate around the digestive system, which signals a change in the African’s appearance – they might go a bit green. They need to be green to effectively photosynthesise, but many say green is a sign of intelligence, so the Africans probably wouldn’t mind this. This is effectively metamorphosis, essentially making the Africans bioorganic. The Africans will need to drink one ‘pinalgae colada’ a day for 6 weeks in order to amass and maintain the chloroplasts. Once fully topped up with chloroplasts, the Africans will be as green as possible, and no longer need to eat or drink for 4-6 months – they can live of the sun through their bioorganic capability.

This will solve the problem of famine in the third world, starting with parts of Africa. Obviously rich or standard wealth Africans will not have to partake in bioorganic metamorphosis, but poor Africans will have to. It about time someone started making good use of the Sun’s energy, and stopped using silly solar powered panels, and starting using solar powered Africans.

Food and drink would no longer be needed in a big way, particularly food. First world countries could just concentrate on sending out water and ingredients for ‘pinalgae coladas’, and send out barman to mix these cocktails instead of sending the Red Cross to deliver food.

The Africans will learn to relax in the sun, sipping on their pinalgae coladas while actually living off the elements.

However, a danger lurks; If Paola Di Canio knew about this process, he would import 100 Africans – from Africa – and put them in an African field – in England, probably near Sunderland. He would then make them sit in the field – after going through the bioorganic metamorphosis – and use the African’s stored energy to power his silly electric car. He would sell the rest of the power to the national grid and use the funds gained to invest in radical racist black propaganda. If anyone knows Paola Di Canio probably be best not to tell him about this, because it’s all about helping the Africans.

I’ve seen alcoholics about, some of them might be druggies, or both, but it seems many of them don’t really have anywhere to go. Also, they generally cause trouble on the streets. They’re probably not that happy, and almost certainly feel on the outside of what is by any means acceptable. So this is a problem, and should be solved. Nobody wants to see unhappy people, and nobody wants to be unhappy.

I suggest turning a small town – let’s say Dover in Kent – into some sort on “drunk camp”, which actually sounds quite fun. This “drunk camp” will essentially be a giant bubble - much like the bubble Jake Gyllenhaal has in the film Bubble Boy, but on a massive scale. We will put all the alcoholics in this town sized bubble where they will live.

Now, every town needs some water frontage, or water feature – they make people feel relaxed. And alcoholics obviously need alcohol. I suggest we put water, sugar, and yeast into fake lakes – fake lakes that seem really real – which combined produce ethanol (alcohol). Of course this needs to be in an air tight environment – in order to produce decent alcohol - but alcoholics can’t survive without oxygen. So, we will need to cover the lakes with some sort of invisible sealant, such as cling film, and allow for oxygen in the rest of the bubble. Important we use invisible sealant so the alcoholics can benefit from the aquatic feel of the place. Tubes will penetrate the cling film at central points of the fake lakes, and carry fumes from the fake lakes to “hot spots” around the “drunk camp”. These “hot spots” shall be aesthetically agreeable areas where alcoholics can congregate and get off on the alcohol fumes, while admiring the pleasurably aquatic feel of the place.

Dole money will be used to fund the upkeep of this “drunk camp”, and also pay for all the food/drink that would be transported into the camp. To get admittance a drunk person just needs to sign off their dole money to the government, which as mentioned, is poured back into providing for the bubble.

This will work because the alcoholics will feel as one, they won’t feel looked down upon or bitter towards others because they’re all in the same bubble – everyone will be an alcoholic. And the normal streets shall be cleared of these drunken unhappy people that cause trouble. No pigeons will be allowed in the “drunk camp” because alcoholics never seem to get on with Pigeons. Actually no animals will be allowed in the “drunk camp” because pets aren’t alcoholics.

To be clear, this “drunk camp” is in no way like a concentration camp; it’s optional to enter – once you enter you can’t leave for nine months – and nobody will be killed by the government, but some people might die, or be killed. Technically the camp has been created to eliminate the tangible intolerant/resentful connection between alcoholics and normal people. I understand that this segregation may enhance this connection through “seclusion”, but as many would say: out of sight out of mind.

I pulled a hair out the other day, and noticed that the hair had tied itself in a knot. I couldn’t understand why that hair would want to do that to itself, or how – it was a really tight knot. So I thought I should pull out some more to see if they had also tied themselves in knots. I pulled out three more which were all fine – not in knots - so why had this one hair tied itself in a knot?

At first I thought it was trying to commit suicide, and tied himself in a knot to stop some sort of circulation. Maybe he didn’t like the shampoo I was using, or just didn’t like being on my head. But then I remembered that hairs don’t have any form of circulation within them, and they are dead already - I think – so really tying himself in a knot would not kill him.

So I think this hair felt he was getting a bit too long, so tried to cut himself. Obviously he doesn’t have scissors, so he must have thought he would weaken the hair at the point of the knot, and force a break or snap in the hair at this point. He probably works with the other hairs on my head to achieve this knot, much like the trees work together in the LOTR films.

But sadly, as I felt this knot, I decided to pull the whole hair out - to investigate - and killed the poor hair, when really he was just trying to make me look more presentable. I think you can kill a hair, even though it’s already dead, because I suppose it hasn’t actually been killed before. Zombies are dead but you can still kill them.

I think we can use our hairs’ teamwork to save us some money. We could train our hairs to cut themselves.

As noted previously, hairs have the ability to decide when it’s time for a cut – they tie themselves in knots – but I think we can train our hairs to work with us too – the brain – not just the other hairs. It’s like the trees in the LOTR films coming together to help the hobbits (brain). Hairs are quite easy to physically manipulate, so they’re probably quite easy to mentally manipulate – in a mental way. To do this we would show them teamwork films, such as LOTR and Bad Boys II. We could watch lots of team sports. Look at tangled wires for a few minutes at least twice a week. And at the end of each day, stare at your ideal hair cut/style.

Hopefully once our hairs have got the message, they would start to tie each other in knots, and work to achieve our ideal hairstyle. This would save us loads of money each year – we wouldn’t have to go to the hairdressers. Also, hairdressers, they rarely do your hair how you want it - your hair knows you a lot better than your hairdresser, so they would probably get it right.

From now on, if you notice a knot in your hair, just cut your hair at the point of the knot so you don’t kill/upset your hair. This is helping the hair out. You might as well give this a go. Frizzy hair is harder to tame then standard hair, so you will probably struggle to break the mental barrier. Also, if you’re ginger and you think you might be able to train your hair to turn blonde, guess again. I don’t think hair can do this. Even if you just have ginger sideburns, you just have to except that you will always have ginger sideburns.

LOTR stands for Lord Of The Rings.

I was walking in Folkestone the other day and noticed a pigeon eating some KFC on the pavement. The pigeon was eating in the standard trademark fashion – rushed and anxious - jerking all over the place. I sometimes wonder how a pigeon would eat something if no one else was around; I think they would be quite civilised about it, probably more of a gentle nod, none of this jerking. I found this quite disturbing – the pigeon eating KFC - because it’s almost cannibalism; it’s like a white person eating a Hungarian. You could say KFC are being pretty reckless, and that they need to sort themselves out. I think KFC need to hire a ‘Pigeon Detective’ and put an end to this bird on bird action.

This ‘Pigeon Detective’ would patrol and monitor pigeon activity within a 100 meter radius of the KFC they are assigned too. They will watch the pigeons and make sure none of them perform cannibalism. This means they will have to follow KFC’s ‘take awayers’ and street eaters to make sure they don’t drop any chicken – chips are fine. Anything biodegradable that isn’t chicken is fine really. If someone does drop a bit of chicken – scraps – then the ‘Pigeon Detective’ will turn on his/her siren and zone in on the exposed chicken. They need a siren because it doesn’t take long for a pigeon to spot exposed chicken; KFC is quite pungent, and pigeons have a great sense of smell, so time is of the essence. Obviously the ‘Pigeon Detective’ will bag and dispose of the exposed chicken.

The siren will be a Pigeon Detectives song called “Take Her Back” because it’s a good solid ‘indie’ song, and sounds like it should be a theme tune to something. The Pigeon Detectives are a band, so the actual ‘Pigeon Detective’ won’t have to write and record a song. If you would like to listen to the song, I have posted it at the bottom.

Some might say maybe it’s OK for a Pigeon to eat a chicken, well, they would probably be wrong. KFC mask their chicken with breadcrumbs, pigeons love breadcrumbs and are blinded by breadcrumb lust, which makes you wonder why KFC introduced breadcrumbs to the chicken? Maybe Colonel Sanders was some kind of cannibalistic Pigeon sadist, and enjoyed watching the Pigeon eat a chicken. Maybe he is a masochist; his name, identity, and ego is embodied by KFC chicken, when a pigeon eats KFC chicken, they are technically eating part of Colonel Sanders. Yeah, if we look at it from a masochistic perspective, Colonel Saunders is definitely a masochist, probably a cannibalistic sadomasochist all in all.

And if a pigeon saw a dead chicken, with no breadcrumb coating, I don’t think they would even consider eating it. If anything they would maybe take some of the chicken’s feathers to put in their nest, which is like a human buying some shoes from a charity shop – acceptable.

Well this would be great. I’m sure now Colonel Sanders is dead – he must be, KFC’s been about for ages and he stared off old – each KFC would take on a ‘Pigeon Detective’. This will not only raise employment percentages, it will also decrease Pigeon cannibalism. It’s a win win. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuyNnm0lwBw

I was in a club in Tunbridge wells the other day, and I think one man got bottled - he was lying on the floor holding his head, and there was blood – he probably did get bottled. For a while nobody knew what was going on, the music had stopped and people starting singing, but after five to ten minutes, we saw this guy on the floor, and people stopped singing. He was alright; read he was discharged from hospital the next morning.

This is relevant:

Sometimes when I close my eyes after a night out, I can still people’s faces – clearly – by looking at my eyelids. I think the consistent flashing of lights in nightclubs burns images onto your eyes, probably on your retinas. And when you close your eyes, your mind works to make sense of these imprinted images, and re-plays the nightclub environment on the inside of your eyelids - this is what is currently familiar to your mind. Sometimes I can still see things - when I close my eyes - in other situations too; once I was sitting on a grassy hill by the road in the summer – sunny day – I saw an ambulance go by with its sirens on. I then rested the back of my head on the grass and closed my eyes, and then I saw the ambulance go by again, but in my mind. Actually not in my mind, I would say on my eyelids. I don’t think my mind is creating the images; it is just processing the images.

Had the police been aware of this ability that night in Tunbridge Wells, they could have come to me as I was ready to sleep, and then took notes as I closed my eyes and re-lived the night, explaining what I was seeing. I could’ve spotted the culprits of this attack and helped the police indentify.

I think everyone has this ability to see things on their eyelids. Let’s take ghosts for instance; a fair amount of people say they have seen a ghost. If you think about it you probably know at least three people that claim to have seen a ghost. But ghosts don’t exist – how could they!!!?? – people are actually mental. Believing in ghosts is an individual’s subconscious attack on enlightenment; they may not believe in Religion – because they’re not silly – but they trick themselves into believing in ghosts. This trick happens because of the mind. The mind is a massive editing tool; do you ever notice yourself blink? The answer is no, you only notice yourself blink if you consciously think about the blinks – try not to do this though as blinking is well annoying (when you notice each blink!).

So the mind edits things out, but it also tries to make sense of things.

So my mind makes sense of the images I see when I close my eyes – which are past images, made from lights, movment etc, and imprinted/stored onto my retinas. Just as the mind makes sense of shadows, different shades of lighting, and the movement of objects such as curtains, bushes etc. So people don’t see ghosts, their mind constructs a ghost as it tries to makes sense of what your eyes see. The reason people see a ghost, not a hippo or a giraffe, is because eyes see and pay the most attention to people, whether it be on TV or in real life, people are always within vision or on the mind, so probably one of the first things the mind turns to when  trying to make sense of something.

Once people realise the ability of their eyes and mind, nightclub attacks could become a thing of the past. If there was an attack, police would get together a sample group of people in the club, that were present prior to and during the attack. They would take them into a special dark room and ask them to close their eyes and look through their eyelids, and ask what they see. The people may notice something or someone looking suspicious, something they didn’t really think about before. The police could then show them a line-up of suspects, and ask each person in the sample group to point out the attackers.

I think this method is questionable, but worth a go. If it doesn’t work, at least people will learn a new ability (how to access their stored eyelid vision), and also learn that ghost don’t exist. Sometimes you don’t even need to close your eyes; just look at a wall in a dark room and you can sometimes still see people or ambulances. I think if you went to the zoo one day, and then went home to bed, and stared at a wall in a dark room, you would probably see your favourite animal on your wall.    

I was looking at my cat the other day, and she had her eyes closed and what looked like a smug grin on her face. I thought, she looks a bit Chinese, or Japanese – because of the eyes. Initially I just thought that’s what cats’ eyes are like. But then I wondered why she had a smug grin, and I think I know why. Cats are racist, and they think it’s really funny to imitate Chinese or Japanese people – I’m not entirely sure which nationality, maybe it’s both. This explains why they have a big smug grin on their face - they think nobody knows what they’re doing; well I’m on to them.

I think cats need to learn that racism is no longer acceptable in this day and age. Not that it was ever acceptable really, but I don’t think you can get away with it now. Cats are trying to be clever, and to be fair, at least it’s not blatant. It’s subtle racism. Someone threw a banana at Gareth Bale the other day, because some people say he looks like a monkey. I’m not really sure if that’s racist, so I can only really say it’s some form of subtle racism. If we apply the six degrees of separation rule, plus some further delving, we would probably come up with a stone cold racist case, thus I would say its subtle racism.

So cats, they need to stop being racist, the bastards. The best way to teach cats the ways of a none-racist is to enforce some justice. So, we shall impose restrictions upon cats. Here are four:

1. Cats can only be stroked when their eyes are open, or closed in a none-racist fashion
2. No catnip for racist cats
3. Cats won’t be allowed to sit on sofas, feet, or laps, but dogs can
4. If a cat starts purring in a racist tone, you have to pick it up and move it to another room

So number four; I think purring is also a form of racism, I think cats are emulating the humming/droning sound of the planes that bombed Hiroshima. Only deep purring though; I think sometimes cats purr because they are happy, but if it sounds deep, they are probably being racist.

Hopefully cats will learn that racism is wrong through these four swift penalties. If you have a racist cat at home, and you yourself are not racist, you should probably impose these four rules. I guess it is quite funny that cats are racist, much like its funny when a young kid sticks their middle finger up at a policeman. But you have to think about that kids future, what will this seemingly innocent gesture of abuse develop into – probably prison. And cats, one day they might evolve and become massive – like tigers – and start eating all the Chinese and Japanese people – think of your cat’s future.

Also, as you can see from the above picture, some cats are born racist. But I think after what the Germans did, it’s alright.

I think I have discovered the new social media. It takes things to a new physical level; it’s the next logical step on from twitter.

Basically, people will have LED displays in the back of their cars, which scroll a live message of what they’re up to or where they’re going. People in the other cars can see this message, and then decide to ‘follow’ them - like twitter - but actually follow them for real. I don’t think that’s stalking. So, if someone’s LED message reads “going to watch Jeremy Kyle”, people will probably follow because they also want to watch Jeremy Kyle, so they will ‘retweet’ the same message on their in car LED displays for everyone else to see, and start following the car with the original message. Others in turn may also follow, and then we would have a stream of followers. At the end they would all get out of their cars a go and watch Jeremy Kyle together, it would be lovely.

This could work wonders in the advertising world. McDonalds could place cars around towns, cars that drive in circuits and have the message “come to McDonalds”, they will circle around major towns and try to get as many ‘followers’ as possible, and then lead them to the nearest McDonalds. When in a strange town, I often wonder where the nearest McDonalds is - I think everyone does - this will be great. They will use electric cars - the atmosphere.

Also, the double cheeseburger, what an amazing thing. It’s bloody amazing. You just walk into a McDonalds, order, pay, and then get handed a double cheeseburger – it’s well convenient. Only takes two minutes (I timed it once). And although it’s not that good for you, once in a while it’s fine, and it’s important to get beef into your diet. Even if it has horse in it, horse must be pretty lean, so quite a healthy meat I would say.

When I was driving home from work the other day, I thought, “yeah, I would really love a biscuit right now” and I was quite looking forward to eating a biscuit when I got home. I could have shared this message – via my LED in car display – and if someone else also wanted a biscuit, they could have followed me home and I would’ve happily given them ONE biscuit.

McVitie’s make nice biscuits.

Anyway, this new form of social media actually is social, people will interact face-to-face, and share things. Also, the quality of messages will be better, people won’t say things like, “just went to Tesco” or “I’m tired, I’m going to bed”, because nobody will follow them, as the message is redundant and useless. Nobody cares if you’re tired, have been to Tesco, or just had a great swim at the gym you losers - I don’t know why people do this - but people will be interested if you say you are going for a swim, as they may join you – it’s pro-active, useful, and social. And if someone a bit weird follows you to the gym for a swim, just tell them to do one. The gym is a public place so you will probably be safe to do be this frank/rude.

I saw a new dance move the other day, I’m not entirely sure what it’s called, but basically it’s an upside down booty shake. You can see the picture above, the lady is upside down, but as it is a still, you can’t see any shaking going on. However, if you follow the link below this paragraph, you will see the full video which includes the upside down booty shake at the end. It’s actually a music video from BROOKE CANDY – I would definitely say it is captivating, and I recommend watching the full video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHULK1M-P08

Anyway, this dance move got me thinking about blood. All the blood in the woman would’ve rushed to her head – I think this could be quiet dangerous as the perpetrator of the move could faint, and twist their neck. Although it looks quiet fun, and could make you feel warm and fuzzy – because of the blood to the head init blud – so probably a good idea really, and a good solid dance move.

I think people could do this instead of taking drugs. It would give them a high – warm and fuzzy feeling – yet it would be free and not as dangerous. Yeah…not as dangerous, but still a little bit dangerous – could twist the neck, or faint and fall on something – but I think this danger would attract the drug users. Junkies love danger, especially free danger, so we could be on to a winner. You don’t have to be a junkie to qualify for the move, a casual drug taker could also supplement their “habit” with the move.

If people are really mental, they could do drugs while doing the the upside down booty shake. Double the fun, and double the danger. If they’re sensible they would probably try both – the upside down booty shake with drugs, and without drugs – and then decide what the better option is. So, if you do take drugs, or would like to, go and try both of these scenarios and see which one you like the most. Obviously the cheaper and safer option is drug free, but just see how it goes.

This could save drug users a lot of money, and potentially save their lives and minds from becoming deranged, deformed, and mental. Here are some terms for drug users:

Acid Freak, Bag Bitch, Dope Whore, E-TARD, Geek Monster.

If you don’t want to be called any of these you shouldn’t take drugs, but if you’re happy to be called any of the above, I guess you’re OK. They all sound negative, but if you see them as positives then just do whatever you want. Probably aim to be called an E-TARD because it is simple yet whimsical.

I was sitting in my room the other day, and I thought “mmm, yeah, I’ll go and get some marshmallows”, because I remembered we had some downstairs. When I got downstairs I couldn’t remember why I went downstairs, so I thought about it for a bit, and then came back up to my room empty handed/headed. Then as soon as I sat back down I remembered about the bloody marshmallows. This was strange; surely our minds can retain this simple marshmallow desire? So I thought maybe our minds aren’t to blame for this ‘forgetfulness’ – I don’t think our minds have forgotten, I think our minds have been foiled by low magnetism. Although sometimes we can ‘re-remember’ ideas and thoughts in situations such as the marshmallow one, through pondering around with steps and thought. Other times we have to go back to the place where the idea came to us to remember, sometimes we just completely forget.

So it seems the only explanation for this ‘thought vacation’ is that memories and ideas float, drift, and even glide in and around us, as well as away from us. Which means wind, temperature, organisation of furniture etc can affect where our thoughts and memories lay, determining whether they travel with us, or drift and leave us. I think ideas stick to us like dust does to a magnet, however, if conditions are “DICEY” (Terence Stamp), the magnetism of us is not strong enough to keep the idea or thought, so thoughts becomes loose and go off on one, and we have to find them.

As everyone knows, we do attain a certain magnetism – sometimes we can make metal things stick to us –and every part of us is made up from elements, and some elements are magnetic. I think our thoughts contain magnetic elements, so depending on how strong our internal magnetic elements, our thoughts either stray or stay. So it makes sense that we ‘forget’ things when we’re tired because our magnetic force is weak.  Maybe if we ate more iron we would have stronger magnetism, and no matter what conditions, we would keep our ideas. People in windy towns must struggle to ‘remember’ anything.

If word gets out about this, things really could get “DICEY” (Terence Stamp). People could steal other peoples’ ideas with their own magnetism, or with the use of a giant man made magnet. I’ll explain: If a genius scientist/physicist/engineer comes up with the next BIG thing, such as the next new BIG technology - previous technologies include radio, telephone, television, internet and then that’s it really – honestly though, I don’t think anyone will ever think of the next BIG thing. It’s a bit like fashion and music, everything BIG and new has been done, now new things are just developments or variations, which is alright I think. Actually fashion probably does produce some truly new things. Anyway, if this genius person is on the cusp of glory, but feeling a bit tired, an evil scientist could use a big magnet to suck the genius’ ideas towards himself, and then walk in and amongst the area where the magnet pulled the stolen ideas to, and absorbed them. It will be like a girl spraying her perfume and another evil girl walking through the spray, stealing the scent - what a bitch.

If word does get out, try not to think of any really good ideas while you’re tired, as that’s when your ideas are most vulnerable. Maybe keep a shot of some drug in your pocket just in case this happens, so you can re-energise and retain your idea. Also, keep a couple of man-made magnets in every pocket you have, so to maximise and enhance your internal magnetism. Also, if you do forget something, your ideas are floating around somewhere, so retrace your steps and you might reabsorb your ideas. Do not use the Henry while thinking of ideas, and try to stay out of the wind.

I was walking around Canterbury High Street the other day, a load of old people were out for some reason. I noticed that the old men seemed to be making this weird noise, they seemed to be mumbling but with breath not words, like a murmur - it was really weird. It was a bit like Bevis’ laugh out of Bevis and Butthead, but not as loud, and they weren’t laughing. I think they must be a bit mental. I also think we can use this weird thing, actually, let’s give it a name. Let’s call it the “Hushed Butthead Murmur”. Anyway, we can use this HBM to warm things up, such as electric blankets.

Basically, vibrations and aggravations directed towards molecules of an object cause the objects’ molecules to rise in temperature. So, if you vibrate and aggravate the molecules in an electric blanket, the electric blanket will rise in temperature.

“Hushed Butthead Murmurs” cause massive vibrations – old men can use HBM to heat up their electric blanket, or cardigans. This process is quite simple really; we just channel the vibrations of the old man’s HBM to whatever they want warmer, like their cardigans. Ants love a good vibration and carry/conduct them well. We will place ten ants on an old man’s chest – where the HBM vibrations are at their most powerful – so the ants can absorb. When the HBM vibrations have been conducted by the ants, the ants will carry the vibration and deliver to certain strategic sections of the old man’s cardigan – to spread the heat. The ants will then settle and transfer the vibration direct to the points, thus warming the cardigan. If old men continually release these “Hushed Butthead Mummurs”, they will continually keep their cardigans warm - as long as the ants can keep up.

Ants are the best because of their solid discipline – bit like the army – and they can be trusted. In return, the ants will feel nice and warm, we will also knit them little ant uniforms so they feel and look like a proper unit/army. Ants are also quite approachable, and they like being warm – it’s a win win.

This will save old men money – lower heating bills – as they will feel nice and warm, and have no need for central heating. Old men could also huddle together – like penguins - in extreme cold conditions and all produce “Hushed Butthead Murmurs”. This will lessen deaths in the winter months as old men will be warm and won’t die. Their wives will probably like them, more so than normal I think, because they’ll be warm like one of those oat bean bags you put in the microwave.

Humans become overweight through eating too much, when I say overweight I mean chubby or flabby. I don’t think you can establish who is overweight through the BMI because it’s rubbish. Words are better, here are some:

1. Flabby – Like a sea lion – the term originates from blubber

2. Chubby or Cuddly – like someone’s filled a soft teddy bear with melted Cadbury Cream Eggs

3. Plump – like a slightly deflated basketball

4. Chunky – dense with a bit of wobble 

Anyway, I think I have figured out how to stop people getting to these four categories – only if they want to. If they are happy to be as are then that’s all right. It’s good to be healthy though.

Hamsters initially store food in their cheeks, when they feel it’s safe they hoard the food in a safe place. The human equivalent of this is going to McDonalds, buying twelve chicken nuggets, eating six, then putting three chicken nuggets in one cheek, and three in the other, then driving home and putting the six stored nuggets in your larder. Hamsters do not absorbed food using their cheeks. Basically if we did this – like the hamsters – we would eat what we needed, and then store the ‘excess’ in our cheeks. We would then come back to the chicken nuggets at a later date, when our bodies actually require food. This way we won’t put on unnecessary weight, which is what our bodies like to do.

Our bodies naturally want to store food, just so we don’t starve. However, these days, in first world countries, starving isn’t really a workable result. So instead we continually store food for no real reason, and thus become overweight.

We need to become more like hamsters. Humans already hoard, everyone does in their own little way, so this is a good start – because hamsters also love to hoard. Now we need to introduce the food-in-cheek hoard technique, to humans.  Bryan Sykes, professor of human genetics at Oxford University, believes that all the hamsters in the world originate from one pregnant female who lived in the Syrian Desert back in 1930s. We would need to time travel back to the 1930s and find this female hamster, once found we will extract the part of her DNA that makes her store food in her cheeks. If someone has frozen the Syrian hamster and is keeping it somewhere we wouldn’t have to time travel. We would then travel back to modern times and inject all four categories (listed above) with this DNA.  

This Syrian hamster DNA coupled with humans need to hoard, will congeal and internally fabricate the food-in-cheek hoard technique in all overweight humans. Once armed with this, ‘overweighties’ will only eat what their bodies need, and store the rest for a time when food is actually needed. This could potentially get messy, but at least everyone will be reasonably healthy. It will also stop people smoking because you can’t smoke with food in your cheeks. If you smoke you are probably a bad person.

The world will become a healthier place, slapping will become forbidden.

There is something rather mystical surrounding tangled wires. You put some UNTANGLED wires, or even just a wire, in a box or a bag, and when you go to retrieve the wire(s) sometime after, they are tangled. But not just tangled, they manage to work themselves into knots – silly wires. I can’t begin to understand how this works, so I’m going to carry out a weeklong study.

A week in duration because a week is long enough. Basically I’m going to get two boxes and two bags – I’m going to use two good quality bags and two shoe boxes. I shall put three sets of UNTANGLED wires in each storage solution, then place one shoe box and one good quality bag in the boot of my car for the whole week. Twice a day, I will personally shake each storage solution located in my boot – with my arms and hands – jiggling them around all over the place.

The remaining non-boot storage solutions will be placed in my cupboard, and twice a day I will move them around in this cupboard – good sized cupboard – maybe even slightly tilting the box/bag as I do it. This cupboard environment, coupled with daily re-placement, will simulate the equivalent of six months storage in relatively stable conditions. The boot experience will simulate the standard everyday storage of things such as headphones in your pocket, or bag.

I’m sure many people out there are baffled by untangled wires becoming tangled and knotted. Tangled is understandable, but knots seem impossible; seemingly the end of the wire would have to travel to the middle of the wire and then loop around it to form the knot. This seems unmanageable, and frankly, not knowing why or how it happens is massively unbearable. I hope to shed light on this phenomenon and come up with a solution to knots in wires.

Prediction:

Wires are like tree roots; they connect to the source (tree) and offer connection/slash output, as do roots on trees. Roots on trees move because they’re alive. I think, because wires and tree routes are so similar, wires could in fact be alive in some respect. Maybe you wouldn’t explain wires as living organisms; maybe they exist on a transcendent level – this is probably the case.

The solution/findings will be published next Friday, that’s Friday 14th December 2012 (only 11 days from Christmas that day so that will be nice)

Our bodies are supposed to help us out, but sometimes they let us down. I don’t really understand why because they’re only letting themselves down really. I think our bodies need to buck up their ideas and start helping us out.

Let’s do a box swot: A guy has been playing football all his life – most of it really – and then one day his groin decides to stop working. All his friends can still play football but he can’t. His body can see this – the envy – yet it decides to persist with the dysfunctional groin. I think this is quite mean, or, the body could be ignorant – unaware of the pain/envy - which in turn equals mean.

Something needs to be done. The body needs to learn that it can’t keep letting us down. Everybody says the best form of defence is attack, and they’re probably right. So, if our bodies betray us with an injury, we need to attack. Here’s a list of things you can do in situations of body betrayal:

1. Eat as many jam doughnuts as you can, they do 100 sit-ups, then go for a 20 minute jog to Tesco and eat more jam doughnuts at Tesco, then run back home.

2. Spin around really fast on your office chair, in both directions

3. Eat a tin of cat food

4. Eat a jar of marmite - if you hate marmite

5. Get someone really strong to punch you hard in the stomach three times

These forms of ‘defence’ may seem easy to do, and alone they are. However, your body needs to know why you’re undertaking these offensive acts. If your body is ignorant, it will think nothing of your strange behaviour/intake.

 When kids do something bad they get sent to their room right away, thus an ‘attack’ is necessary directly after your body betrays you. Let’s go back to groin guy, as soon as he gets a pain in his groin he should swiftly enact one of the above. If repeated every time the body betrays him – groin pain - the body will soon recognise the pattern. It will know that if it causes pain/envy there will be consequences - I think the stomach is the hub of the body so that’s the best place to attack it – and as the body learns this, it will stop producing pain in the groin. The guy will be able to play football free of groin pain.

This can be applied to other body betrayals such as bad eyesight, toothache, cramp, and other such things. With the above technique we will regain control over our bodies, and learn to work together with them. Injuries will become a thing of the past, as will our body’s ignorant and careless behaviour.

When you walk past someone and no one else is around, you feel you should say something to the person, such as “Hello” or “Alright”. It’s a pleasant thing to do, especially in a field. But when you walk past that same person in a busy town, you don’t even think about saying something, unless you know the person. This is strange. It has nothing to do with the person - it’s all to do with the surroundings. Really we should look at how to solve this.

Walking past someone in a quiet spot can be awkward, because you feel like you should say something, but, you don’t know if they feel the same. So if you say hello they might think your weird, desperate, or even some form of sexual fiend. Obviously people don’t want to be seen as these three things so they tend not to say anything. Actually, old people walking there dogs are safe, they’re mostly nice people, and the older they get the friendlier they become. They appreciate a hello; I think the prompt of saying something in these situations has formed from the olden days, when everyone was nice to each other. I think the war sparked this, it brought the nation together - old people these days are part of this immediate post-war generation, so they’re all right.

So the problem lies with us - the distant post-war generation – we are seeded with this great tradition of saying something, yet we are faced with an internal self-conscious battle - the fear of looking silly. If we knew that the other person walking down the street was happy to receive pleasantries, our internal conflict would be no more. So we need to think of something that highlights a person’s openness to this.

The best way to do this would be the use of leather jackets. Everybody thinks leather jackets are cool, and there are so many different types, so people would be happy to buy them. If you’re feeling open you will wear your leather jacket. This means everyone knows their safe to say hello to you. If you’re not feeling so open, you just don’t wear a leather jacket. If you see someone carrying - not wearing - a leather jacket, they’ve probably changed their mind so don’t say hello to them. Also, don’t say hello to anyone wearing leather chaps.

This will be great. People will feel confident in delivering good-natured remarks to other leather garbed pleasants. Also, the assorted array of leather jackets would lead people to comment on each other’s jackets. This might build a sense of togetherness – like the war did – as everyone will be into leather jackets. And talk about them.

If you have a leather jacket like Steven Seagal then you’re onto a bloody winner.

I went to buy a train ticket the other day, and just before the purchase I asked myself ‘Should I be buying this ticket? Could I get away with not getting one?’  Because sometimes the train people don’t check, and barriers at stations are left open. Most barriers with train people are closed because they’re shy or professional. Anyway, I think it was good and decent of me to buy a ticket when I could’ve possible not got one, however, there was no reward or acknowledgement as my ticket went unchecked and unstamped. Basically I think we should get a reward if we buy a train ticket and no one checks it.

I would happily buy a ticket as long as there was a guarantee that a train person would check my ticket, or stamp it. But if I get through to the other side unchecked and unstamped, I think I should get a reward, because really, I’ve bought a ticket for no reason. So I see this as waste of money, it’s like buying a pleasant hat and never wearing it outside to show everyone how nice it is.

So the reward; I don’t think this reward could apply to season ticket holders - they get a nice plastic pass to keep their tickets in. The reward would just be for one-offs. Like an evening trip to somewhere new, or getting the train because your car is in the garage, or you’ve run out of petrol. Someone needs to set up a stall outside of every train station in the UK, actually, just England. Not London because too many people smoke in London and they don’t deserve a reward. So stalls will be set up outside all train stations in England, bar London.

The reward will be an egg stamp on your hand; eggs symbolise achievement, when a hen sees an egg come out they get a great sense of victory – it’s no mean feat. Not only will this egg stamp impress people - because you’ve gone ‘against the rules’ - it also gets you a kinder egg from any Tesco store, even the little ones – stores.

You’re probably thinking, no one will set up a stall outside of a train station just for this purpose, well you’re wrong. The stall people will collect an abundance of tickets, tickets which could be used again, and therefore sold on. They would sell these unused and unstamped tickets at a huge discount; this is recycling and the government will love it. And if they don’t like it they should make sure everyone’s tickets are checked so these stalls can’t exist, but that won’t happen.

So the stalls we be funded and sponsored by Kinder, Kinder will also provide redeemable Kinder Eggs for egg stamp hands. The stall will look like a giant Kinder Egg, instead of a toy you get a real person inside. The real person will have to be white because Kinder Eggs are white on the inside, or a black person could wear a white t-shirt.  In return Kinder will get a location fee and percentage cut of all tickets sold on.

This will be great. Everybody will feel acknowledge and gain a great sense of achievement. Train journeys will be validated on a whole new level. Egg stamps will become a talking point and people may talk to each other more, because they can talk about how close they came to not getting an egg stamp.

When we find out an interesting piece of information – something that we and others will be interested in – more often than not, we just give this information to someone for free. BBC news charge us for the information they provide – license fee – so why can’t we charge people for the interesting information we know. I don’t think we should charge money though, that wouldn’t be cool.

I suggest we implement a payment plan of some sort. Basically everybody will have to load themselves with pink shrimps – the sweets – everybody loves them and they’re not sticky. Unless you keep the shrimps in your hand for a long time, but really, anything will go sticky if you keep it in your hand for a long time. So, these shrimps will be the ‘information currency’; the value of one shrimp will be equal to one hour of ‘information time’. ‘Information time’ is the time spent by the person that holds the valuable information. For example, if you have seen the new bond film and someone asks you “What was it like?” All you have to say is “Yeah, it was all right” and you will earn yourself three pink shrimps. This is because you have spent three hours of your valuable time watching Skyfall. Skyfall is two and half hours long, so we always round up.

This has to happen. Any part of information is valuable. For instance, if you told someone a film was crap, they probably wouldn’t go to see it, therefore saving money on a cinema ticket etc. Without your information, they may have wasted money on a cinema ticket. This implementation of the ‘Shrimformation payment scheme’ will only apply to social and personal information exchange – Shrimformation has no place in the Business world, because the business world is not cool.

Here are some rules of Shrimformation:

A minimum of ten pink shrimps are required before you can ask a question

Pink shrimp dealing is forbidden

Pink shrimp circulation is forbidden – meaning you have to eat what you earn, and can only pay/reward with shrimps you have bought.

You can only buy pink shrimps from Cineworld or WHSmith

Everybody has to have clean hands

Here’s a list of some of the things you can charge for:

Weather predictions

Pets’ names

Preferred washing method i.e. bath

Favourite biscuit

Pigeon knowledge/statistics

Advice on life in general

Best way to eat a crumpet

So this is great. This scheme will make information exchange fun, and will also highlight the effort gone into any piece of information, because you are rewarded in relation to your valuable time (three hours = three pink shrimps). People will grow to appreciate off-the-cuff facts so much more, as they will realise the time spent in discovery. Everyone will feel appreciated, as everyone has information to give. Therefore, everyone will be happier. Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp, maybe we will all turn pink if we eat lots of pink shrimp.

Girls wear make-up, some girls wear a lot. Not only is this bad for their skin – blocks the pores – it’s also expensive and takes up valuable time. I just saw some thunder out my window. Not just the valuable time of the girl – while applying the ‘base layer’ – but the time of her friends or boyfriend, because they have to wait. Really, the application of make-up is quite selfish. So we need to think of something to stop them wearing make-up – I’ve thought of something.

I don’t think girls really want to be applying make-up all the time. Men generally don’t wear make-up, and girls used to also not wear make-up, but things changed, and girls started wearing make-up. Now girls are trapped; pretty much every girl wears make-up – aiming to improve their faces – if a girl decides not to wear make-up, her face will not ‘look it’s best’. So the girl has to wear make-up.

This is similar to men going to the gym; men see other muscular men and want to be like them – physically, and maybe mentally too – because that’s what girls ‘like’. So most men go to the gym, just like most girls wear make-up, but they might not want to go to the gym. This is not true, most men do not go to the gym, but if they did this would be an excellent parallel to draw upon.

Anyway, let’s focus on girls for today, or women, whatever. I don’t truly understand the official difference between a women and a girl. Britney Spears had a go at explaining the difference but just made it more confusing; she said she was somewhere in between a girl and women???

I would say:

A girl is a female that embraces their childhood and carries a youthful attitude throughout life, age means nothing.

A woman is a female that sheds her youthful attitude as soon as she can and gets serious with life.

A Britney Spears is a female stuck in transition, from looking at the two definitions above, it seems the female may be a schizophrenic.

So going back to the make-up epidemic; girls need to start wearing boxes over their heads – in general – this way they don’t have to wear make-up. If all the girls did this the plan would work well. When all girls start wearing boxes over their heads – to cover their faces – other men and women would be curious and wonder what’s under the box. Also, men would not see a female face and would probably miss them. ‘Non-box on head day’ (NBOHD) will fall on Friday and Saturday nights – from 7pm onwards. Because of the withdrawal of female faces – upon women and men – seeing female faces will become a novelty and highlight to the weekend. Therefore, men and other girls won’t care if the girls aren’t wearing make-up on NBOHD, they’ll just be glad to see a female face. Everyone will learn to appreciate natural female faces.

After a few months, or maybe one year, we will add an extra ‘non-box on head day’ (NBOHD) to the week. So, not add an eighth day to the week, but subtract a ‘box wearing over head day’ (BWOHD) from the standard seven days. Each year that follows will see a further NBOHD introduced, until every day in is a NBOHD, and on this final day women will burn their boxes. I see this day as the twenty first century’s equivalent to the bra burnings that took place in the 1960s – hippies. 

Through this five-six year movement, or solution, make-up will become extinct. Girls, Women, and Britney Spearses will save money and time, and naturally beauty may shine through, how lovely.

Wouldn’t it be great if cats could talk? We could become even better friends with them, or we might realise they’re actually a bit of a dick, and just resent having them as a pet. We would probably still feed them, but no stroking, and no special treats or toys. But every cat is different right, maybe it’s time we all started thinking about what our cats would say to us – if they could in fact talk. I know two cats quite well, and I think I could provide a good guess as to what they would say to people.

Firstly, I know Bobby. He is ginger. He’s really nice and gets scared of everything. He isn’t scared of me though, but sometimes he does bite – in a fun way. I think he would come out with paranoid and worried comments, he would say things like:

“What’s that noise?”

“Stop stroking me…stop stroking me……you deserved that”

“Don’t touch my tail”

“Are you touching my tail?” - As he says “tail” in this instance, his voice would rise like an American, because he is not entirely sure you’re touching his tail, and he is being whimsical with tone.

Also, Bobby’s not very fond of that cat he lives with – Blossom – so he would also say things like this:

“Stop following me – I’m serious this time”

“I know you’re behind me, do one sunshine”

“I don’t like you and I never have”.

So, Blossom, she is a funny cat. Sometimes she just runs up and down the stairs, for no apparent reason. If she could talk, I think she would probably tell people why she does random circuits around the house – primarily on the stairs. Maybe she is training for something. Maybe all the neighbourhood cats have a competition on the go, like a mini cat Olympics. Blossom could be training for the “stair run”; it would be like the “cheese/hill run” in The Maccabees video for ‘Can you give it’. That man in The Maccabees video put a kettle in the fridge after competing in the cheese run, so it is a sport that can make you do strange things. I’m sure the cats are aware of the danger. Instead of cheese the cats would use a Wagon Wheel. All the cats would start at the top of the stairs and chase the Wagon Wheel to the bottom.  The winner is the cat that runs away with the Wagon Wheel at the bottom of the stairs. Cats don’t like cheese, but they love Wagon Wheels. Also Wagon Wheels are small and circular, so perfect for rolling down stairs.

Don’t give chocolate to dogs; it’s not good for them.

So Blossom would say things like this:

“Did that look fast?”

“Get out of my way”

“Can you buy me a Wagon Wheel and roll it down the stairs please?”

Blossom also likes to follow Bobby – which is why Bobby doesn’t like her – so here are some more things she would say:

 “Where’s Bobby?”

“Have you seen Bobby?”

“Was that Bobby?” As she says “Bobby” in this instance, she would also raise her voice like an American – for the same reasons as listed for Bobby; whimsical tone.

If you have cats, maybe start thinking about the things they would say. Then start thinking about how you could make them talk. I’m sure a cat could say some simple words, they just need to be taught. I think, in 100 years, cats will be able to speak to humans. So that’s the year 3012 then.

When someone gets embarrassed or feels self doubt their face will go red. This can sometimes be worrying, for example, when you see the pilot of the plane you’re about to board all flustered and red, you think to yourself, ‘this guy/girl isn’t confident’. And you may well be right, or you could be completely wrong. If we knew for sure how to spot self doubt, we could save lives – confidence = competence. So, we need to be able to differentiate between:

1. Redness with confidence

2. Redness without confidence

Here is a photo of redness with confidence (no.1)

As we all know, this is Bill Clinton, and he is supremely confident, yet he has a red face. What you will notice here is that the redness is patchy – all over his face.

Here is redness without confidence (no.2)

This girl has concentrated redness - concentrated on her cheeks – don’t worry about her red chin.

So, this girl (No.2) is not confident, you can tell because the redness is concentrated on the cheeks – not patchy. Also her t-shirt says “shy”, so she is probably shy too, which is an aspect of self-doubt. Patchy redness in no way signifies self-doubt, some people just get hot and it comes out in red sporadic patches. This is only natural and means the person is probably confident, and therefore competent; they just might be a bit hot. Or they might be allergic to cats, and there is a cat in the room.

So, a person’s cheeks are the place where the self-doubt oozes out, forming a blotchy red circle on each cheek. If you are about to board a plane, or do a bungee jump, and the person in charge has two blotchy red circles on their face, probably don’t get on the plane, or jump off the platform. If they have sporadic redness, you’re probably safe.

Also some ginger or ‘fair’ people have red faces anyway, so they are hard to judge (see below). Getting on a plane with one of these as a pilot is a gamble. Some ‘fair’ people dye their hair too so try to watch out for that – freckles. Black people are a no go – you can’t really tell - if anything I guess their face would go a bit burgundy, but I don’t know if that’s true.

After reading this, you will be able to tell if your pilot or bungee jump technician is safe. Just remember, when looking at the face; sporadic is safe, concentrated is danger (only applies to non-ginger and non-‘fair’ people). Good Luck.