I think winking needs to be sorted out. I was in McDonalds the other day, and I ordered two double cheeseburgers, there was a bit of a wait, so I waited. After a couple of minutes, the ‘chef’ slid my two cheeseburgers down the McDonalds burger chute towards the man serving. As he slid, he gave the serving man a wink, but not just a subtle indiscreet wink, it was a full on IN-YOUR-FACE wink. Naturally, with the unshakable urban myth of secreted faeces in burgers implanted in my mind, I felt quite uneasy about the ‘chef’s’ wink. I think, and hope, that this wink was in no way related to faeces in my burgers. If this is the case, then generally great, but I think people should be educated on when and where they can wink - currently winking is rife and wild.
Actually, thinking about it, we should just ban winking altogether. I know some special people can’t wink anyway – they can only blink – but for the normals, we should ban it. Winking just isn’t cool anymore, if someone winks at you it’s either creepy, cringy, or CHEESY - which in turn is creepy or cringy (the three C’s all interconnected). I have never practiced winking – I can wink, I mean practiced like a practicing Jew, trying to be a Jew – and I don’t really know any winkers. Winkers are often outsiders who you don’t really know, typically in their 40’s, and see themselves as a bit cheeky. Perhaps a cheeky chappy. They say something that’s meant to be funny, and then wink at you. But they say this ‘funny’ comment in such an overly hyped whimsical tone that you know they are joking before they have even finished their ‘funny’ comment. So really there is no need for winking. Sometimes they nudge you too – which is quite intrusive.
These winkers need to DO ONE. And something needs to be done.
As we can see above, we have two forms of winking which produce two forms of woe; badly timed winks which wreak worry and could cause someone to lose sleep (McDonalds), and common bothersome winking which could lead to the intrusion of personal space, and to accommodating laughter from the receiver - accommodating laughter that makes you feel dirty.
So to ban something you need to enforce rules, and punishments. Here are a few things you can do if someone winks in your presence, but not directly at you:
- Question the wink and make things awkward
- Expressively point at the winker’s eye, but only when the winker isn’t looking at you – they will notice
And here are some punishments if someone winks directly at you
- Spray a Capri Sun – orange and mango - into the eye they used to wink at you.
- Don’t laugh at what preceded and endorsed the wink, even if it’s funny.
- Start blinking at them, as you perform each blink force your neck/head forward to get your point across – like a chicken does
So, with these punishments in hand, winkers will soon start to experience strange happenings every time they wink. On a conscious level, they probably won’t connect these punishments with their winking activities, but the mind is quite clever, and the sub-conscious will realise this relationship between winking and punishment. Over time, winkers will naturally stop winking, because of the wary sub-consciousness. No longer will we feel aggravated by these silly and inconsiderate winkers.